How military families can best manage during separation

Frederic J. Medway, Ph.D.,
Professor of Psychology, University of South Carolina

Undoubtedly when soldiers go off to war and military deployments it can be very stressful for both them and the loved ones they leave behind.  Nevertheless, we now have a considerable body of research designed to understand this phenomenon and help military families; further, all service branches make family support a top priority.   While every family situation is a bit different, you can help your family successfully deal with separation (and later reunion or re-integration back into the family) by fully educating yourself, maintaining open and positive communication with your loved one(s), keeping family routines and rituals intact, and getting whatever help or support you need. 

Educate Yourself

It is very important that you learn as much as you can about the deployment and military assignment, your rights, and the services the military provides.  It is particularly important for you to learn about what commonly happens during a deployment, the financial and legal challenges you may face, the changes that may occur in your children and in their school performance and behavior, and the extra demands that may be placed on you such as balancing a job and extra family duties.  Make use of the excellent resources available such as MilitaryOne Source, informational sessions conducted by unit leaders, and the advice and perspective of those you trust who have previously gone through deployment. 

Communication

Research clearly shows that open and effective family communication is important both during separation and reunion.  Begin open and honest communication even before your loved one leaves by talking about important issues that both of you may have put off in the past.  Married couples should find make times in busy schedules for quiet conversations.  As deployment nears or upon its occurrence Connect And Join ™ can be a powerful tool to use as you communicate with your loved one.  The benefits of Connect And Join ™ may well be maximized if you communicate early in the deployment cycle, often (if only by brief messages), and try and stay focused on messages that are positive, serve to inform (not worry), and connect the soldier life at home.  You may wish to make a communication plan and use the Connect And Join ™ calendar.  Communicate about small happenings and bigger events.  Older children can be given communication responsibilities to sending their own emails, make projects, etc.  Understand that soldiers deployed overseas and in combat areas will have demands on them, and may not always respond to you as you expect.  You may have to adjust your expectations somewhat.  Nevertheless, if possible, each soldier should try and communicate back home at least twice a week if possible.

Routines

Family separations are difficult enough without making other major changes.  Therefore try and stick to routines that you had before deployment.  If possible don’t make major changes such as changing jobs or a child’s school.  Also, try and keep bedtimes and discipline techniques the same.  Parents need to be consistent and positive and up-beat for the children.  Let them know what is expected of them and the consequences.  However, do not make communicating with the loved one a special treat for goods behavior or take it away as a punishment.  Also, do not put the soldier in the role of disciplinarian-that is your job.

Support

Do not be afraid about getting advice, counsel, and support from close family members, other military families, or those you might normally call on for help (physicians, clergy, chaplains, etc).  There is no weakness in seeking help, particularly if you have special circumstances or demands placed on you besides the separation (e.g., you are pregnant, have an illness, must care for an elderly parent, etc.). 

By following these few tips the process of family separation can be made much easier for you and your loved ones.